walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
