apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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