Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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