my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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