You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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