I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
