Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
