I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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