I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
