He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
