Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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