My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
