We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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