Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
