i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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