OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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