She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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