Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
