my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
