What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
