I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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