I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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