I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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