guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
