I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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