dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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