Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
