My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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