how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
