They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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