Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
