im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
