so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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