The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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