The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
