I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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