Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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