Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
