I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
