yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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