Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
