Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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