I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
