i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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