On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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