I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
