Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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