Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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