It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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