quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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