My liver just broke up with me...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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