now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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