listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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