this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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