I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
