Will you blow on my dice?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
As shirtless as possible
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
