she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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