Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
